I don’t know why but I usually don’t think to blog unless something major is going on- you know, how much I despise 4th grade math, someone dying, etc. Today it’s Target.
Christ, Target, why do you do this to me? I try so hard not to be a cliche of a white-girl-soccer-mom-starbucks-loving-suburbanite, even though I am all of those things, so I don’t go to Target very often because I find it so “mainstream” in the sense that literally everyone says “OMG I went into Target for laundry detergent and spent $900!” and I just don’t want to be another one of those people. Even though, again, I am that person. Weird, right?
Anyway- because the universe is about to blow or something, I actually had an idea to do a little early Christmas shopping because my youngest mentioned something he really wanted, and I looked it up on Amazon and it was all sold out. It was also all sold out at Walmart and Walmart online and Target online and ToysRUs…you get the idea. Anyway, lo and behold, I see that my (kinda) local Target has these littler F’ers in stock, so…off to Target I go.
Here’s just a peek into my inner dialog as I roam through Target: (With no kids, obviously. With kids is an entirely different blog.)
I walk in and immediately you’re in a Starbucks. As if driving past Starbucks to get there wasn’t hard enough, now I actually have to walk almost THROUGH a Starbucks just to get my shopping cart. I won’t spend $5 on coffee today, I won’t! Goddamnit that smells so good, WHY IS THERE A STARBUCKS IN HERE. Oh yeah, for dipshits like me. Keep on moving.
Then there’s the dollar bins. OMG look at all that cute stuff. These would be so cute for Halloween for the boys. Ugh no, they don’t need anymore crap. BUT OMG LOOK AT THIS WHAT ABOUT THIS FOR STOCKING STUFFERS? Jesus fuck it’s October I am NOT going to buy stocking stuffers. Ohhhh look they have note cards with a “P” on them…for all the notes I write, yeah, I don’t need that. But they’re so cute. JUST. KEEP. WALKING.
Note: I made it through both Starbucks and the dollar bins empty handed. YAHOO!
Oh shit. Shoes. I don’t need any shoes, I DON’T! Wellllll I have been looking for some new black boots. The four pair I have are not right, one is too slouchy, one is too short, one has too high of a heel…I reeeeeeally need some black riding boots. I’ll just take a quick peek… (Try on 14 pair of boots) Ugh…none of these are right. I kinda like this one though…ohhh look at those flats! And the sandals on clearance! Shit. NO NO NO LOOK AWAY WOMAN JUST LOOK AWAY!
Note: I made it through without buying shoes of any kind.
Now for clothes, pajamas and work-out wear. Haha. I really don’t need any clothes, man that sweater is really cu…NOPE. Oh look over here to the left at all those cute pajamas…mine are so old and icky I …NOOOOO. Ok, new yoga pants…now those I could really use for all my yoga-ing. (Let’s get real people- can we please quit calling them “yoga” pants? They are “button and zipperless jean alternative almost pajamas but acceptable to wear in public” pants. That is all they are ) No. No. No. I came here for toys. Toys. Toys. Toys.
To get the the toys one has to pass the baby shit, and then one gets all teary eyed because one misses looking at and buying all that baby shit, but then one gets over it as soon as one passes that aisle.
Yay toys! I quickly find the three things I was looking for and move along, first to the electronics where I look at movies and such and decide I suddenly need to buy the following movies: Annie, Home Alone, The Lorax, Overboard, Turner & Hooch, Divergent, Mermaids, Corpse Bride, and The Dark Knight. I didn’t buy any of these, but for that moment it all seemed like a good idea until I turned my head to the right and saw something even shinier- books!! I made it through the book section with ONLY a paperback copy of Mockingjay because I wanted to read it again before I saw the movie and my Kindle broke. Seriously, one book? That’s major. But then a few aisles later I put it back when the guilt kicked in, because $10 for a book? Calm down, who do you think you are, a Kardashian?
Oh for Christssake now I have to go through the home department. This area right here is just a tornado of ideas. By the time I leave this section of the store I’ve completely remodeled my entire house in my head. I suddenly need new dishes. If I have new dishes I have to have new flatware. Those placemats are TDF, I don’t even HAVE any placemats, so that’s a necessity. And those hand towels…ohhhh look at that light blue KitchenAId mixer! If only I could trade it in for my red one that is so early 2000’s. I DO need a baby whisk, as a matter of fact! And I can’t even find any of my measuring spoons…and that casserole dish! Seriously bitch, just walk away. Ok, I’m going. I’m going…
…straight into the linen department. Fuck.
Rugs. Comforter. Shower curtain. Window panels. Pillows. I NEED ALL THE THIIIIIIIIINGS!!! SIMMER DOWN LADY YOU HAIL FROM A ONE INCOME HOUSEHOLD, get a fucking job if you need all this shit. Quick, just get to the grocery section. You need milk and cereal and oatmeal and coffee and something for dinner. Easy enough. GOOOOOO!
40 minutes later (a good 20 of that was spent looking at all the different varieties of nuts i suddenly needed to try- settled on dark chocolate covered salted almonds because I DESERVED a treat.) I made it to the checkout.
Toys: 3 @ $12.99 ea. ($39)
Milk, cereal, oatmeal, coffee, dinner: (Roughly $30)
Amount actually spent: $145. I’d say $76 into the Target Black Hole should be considered a win and is basically nothing, really.
Amount Target made me want to spend: $8,750.
In summary. Target somehow makes me want to buy literally every thing I lay my eyes on. I don’t even have a cat and Target can make me want to buy kitty litter and fancy feast. HOW DO THEY DO THIS? Hypnosis? Mind control? Subliminal messages? Whatever it is I wish they’d make me as enthusiastic about shit I actually need to do like clean my house, write books and lose weight. Get your shit together, Target, you could be doing some good in the world.